Cuckoo Bird (AKA Bird Flu)
by Nicki Monaz
Summary: Clint gets a bad case of the flu and is admitted to the hospital against his will by his partner and handler. With a sick archer refusing to listen and annoying them every step of the way, along with a few escape attempts thrown in, Natasha Romanoff and Phil Coulson have their work cut out for them. (Be easy on me, please. This took me almost two weeks & I've been very busy.)


Somewhere in an undisclosed third-world country, a particularly dangerous man stood in the shadows, silently watching a group of equally dangerous men conducting their business. Any minute now, they'd detonate the bomb they'd rigged to the side of an important political leader's house. S.H.I.E.L.D. had sent Hawkeye on a solo mission to stop them from starting a war.

"Complete your mission, Agent Barton. We're on a limited time schedule." Hawkeye heard his handler's voice in his earpiece.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it, Coulson. No need to remind me a fifth time." the archer answered, then suddenly went into a coughing fit.

Agent Coulson's voice buzzed in his ear again, "Are you alright? You sound terrible."

Clint stopped coughing and laughed a little, "Yeah, I'm fine. I've just had a cough since this morning. Plus, my head and muscles hurt. But, with this job, why wouldn't they?"

"I can call in the Black Widow if you want to sit this one out." he told him.

"Please. Nat doesn't need to do my job for me. If I let her take my assignments every time I wasn't feeling 100%, I'd be out of a job. I can handle this myself." Clint left his spot in the shadows of the building, "You act like I've never done this before."

"Note taken. Take the bombers out and, please, try to prevent an explosion."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Couslon. Good to know you believe in me." Hawkeye sarcastically replied.

He climbed up the side of another building and pointed his bow in the direction of the men. They'd started up some kind of machine to detonate the bomb in about ten minutes.

_I hope this works. _Hawkeye aimed, sweating, and shot two arrows at the machine, causing sparks to fly everywhere and the men to turn toward the direction the arrows had come from.

They spotted him, yelling and running towards the building he was on. Agent Barton shot a few of them before going into another coughing fit and nearly keeling over. _My chest hurts._

"What's going on?" Coulson asked through his earpiece.

The archer ran along the roof as his pursuers burst through the door, "They're after me because I broke their toy. That's why radicals from third-world countries shouldn't use machinery." He jumped to the other building and stopped for a moment, breathing heavily, thinking out loud, "That made me more tired than usual. Don't say a word, Coulson. I can still handle this myself." Clint ran into a man and fell, "Whoa. Where'd you come from?"

He got up and the rest of the bombers burst through the door leading to the stairs. He was surrounded.

Hawkeye smirked, "This'll be fun."

He put his hands up like he was about to surrender, then, with lightning speed, grabbed an arrow out of the quiver on his back and shot it into a man's shoulder. The rest of the men attacked. Hawkeye hit six of them, but then started coughing. One of them threw his bow and punched him in the stomach.

He fell to the ground, wheezing, "Less fun."

Agent Coulson questioned him, "What's happening?"

One of the men grabbed him by the shirt and punched him in the face.

"I'm losing." Hawkeye told his handler in disbelief, trying to fight off the men.

Coulson heard the sound of the assassin's heavy breathing, the sound of fighting, a thud, and then nothing.

"Hawkeye?...Agent Barton?...Answer me, Clint!" Clint said nothing.

Coulson called the Black Widow, "Agent Romanoff."

"What is it, Coulson?" she asked slightly amused, "Does Barton need me to take over his mission after all?"

"Clint needs your help, Natasha." the agent told her.

"On my way." Black Widow immediately realized the situation was serious, hung up, and jumped in a S.H.I.E.L.D. jet.

Some amount of time later, Clint Barton woke up in a hospital bed with an IV in his arm and an oxygen mask on his face.

He pulled the mask off and saw Natasha Romanoff sitting in a chair reading a book, "Natasha? What the heck happened?"

Natasha put the book down, "You lost consciousness in the middle of your mission. I had to come help you."

"I got that, but what…" Clint was interrupted when their handler and a doctor walked in.

The doctor spoke, "Good to see your awake, Mr. Barton. I'm Dr. Crane. I assume you're not feeling very well."

Then, the feeling of fatigue, aches, nausea, and dizziness came back all of a sudden, making the archer groan pitifully.

"I'll take that as a yes." Dr. Crane replied, "You have the flu and are experiencing some complications; loss of consciousness and trouble breathing. You also have a fever, but it's not dangerously high at the moment."

Coulson told him, "You should have told me how bad it was before you risked jeopardizing the mission. Luckily, Agent Romanoff took care of it and saved your hide before anything happened."

"Yeah, well, I didn't know. It all happened very suddenly. Everything worked out, so it's over." Clint said, starting to get up, "I'll be going now."

"Think again." Coulson ordered, "You're staying right here in this hospital."

"What!?" Clint couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"You need to stay here for a while until you get better." Dr. Crane explained, "We wouldn't want something to happen to you and there not be medical attention nearby."

"But…" Clint started.

"No buts, Clint. You're staying here even if it takes all of S.H.I.E.L.D. to make you. Fury's and my orders." Coulson said like he was speaking to a child, staring him down sternly.

"Ugh, fine. But, he…" he gestured to the doctor, "…better stay away from me."

"He doesn't like doctors. No offense." Natasha stated when Dr. Crane gave her a confused look.

"Well, I assure you, Mr. Barton, that neither I nor anyone else in this hospital is going to hurt you." Dr. Crane addressed his patient.

"Of course not." Clint glared at the doctor, "You wouldn't dare try to."

"I'll have another agent posted outside the door." Coulson announced, "I know he'll try to leave before he's supposed to."

"I'll stay here and keep him company." Natasha told them.

"Alright. You haven't got any assignments until next week." Coulson left with the doctor.

Natasha turned to her partner, "No missions for me until you get out of here. That gives me plenty of time to keep an eye on you. I can't believe you're afraid of doctors."

"You know, I'm not afraid of them, Nat. I just don't like them." he corrected, "If you knew anything about my mission to the Middle East a few years ago, you wouldn't like them either."

"What happened?" she was curious.

"Let's just say doctors don't know anything about what proper meds to give patients. Plus, at least half of them are evil. " he replied. He coughed and groaned, "Why did I have to get the flu? Why couldn't this happen to Coulson?"

"He wouldn't like hearing you say that."

"Yeah, well, I don't care. He deserves it for being so bossy."

"He's our handler. It's his job."

"I just want to die in peace at home, not during a S.H.I.E.L.D. ordered stay in the hospital."

"You're not dying."

Hawkeye got a nauseous look on his face and vomited into a trash can by the bed. He moaned miserably, "You sure about that?"

"Yes, I'm sure." Black Widow answered, "Stop being overdramatic."

"I'm in a hospital with doctors and nurses everywhere, my whole body hurts, I'm coughing up a lung, and I'm hot and cold at the same time. How am I being overdramatic?"

"You've been in worse situations during missions."

"That's different."

"Whatever you say, Clint." she got up to leave, "I'll be back later. You're going to fall asleep any minute now."

"I doubt that's going to happen." he told her, "I'm too busy planning my escape from this place."

Natasha started out the door, "Good luck with that."

The next thing he knew, Clint woke up still in the hospital bed. _Stupid flu, making me tired._ He pulled the IV out of his arm and managed to get up and stagger to the door.

A man wearing a shirt with the S.H.I.E.L.D. logo appeared in front of him and blocked his path, "Where are you going?"

"Wherever I want to." Clint told him, wheezing.

"Get back in bed, Agent Barton."

"Not going to happen. Move before I make you move." Clint said impatiently.

The agent sighed, knowing this wasn't going to be easy, "I have a taser. I've been given orders to make sure you stay in this room. I've turned down the volts quite a bit, but it will still hurt. Don't make me use it."

"I bet I can take you, even if I am sick. $20 says I can."

"You barely made it to the door without collapsing and you're breathing like someone's crushing your lungs. It wouldn't be fair."

"You scared?" Clint challenged.

He sighed, "Fine."

The agent didn't move. Clint got in one punch and his body betrayed him. He fell.

The S.H.I.E.L.D. agent pulled him off the floor and pinned his arms to his sides just as Agent Romanoff appeared. The ill archer was too weak to do anything. His struggling looked more like a fussy child than an attempt at escape.

"What's going on here?" Natasha demanded.

The agent answered, "He tried to leave. I wouldn't let him and he tried to fight me. All I had to do was stand and wait for him to fall over."

She looked at Clint, "You're pathetic, you know that? Just do what Coulson and the doctor said and you'll get better."

The other agent walked him over to the bed and made him lay down, "Now, you owe me $20." Then, he left the room.

"Great!" Clint was very annoyed, "Stupid flu! Stupid hospital! Stupid doctors! Stupid Coulson! It's all their fault! I feel like I'm dying and they won't let me go home! I just want out of here! That's not too much to ask!"

Coulson walked through the door, "Done with your little rant?"

He glowered at his handler, wheezing more, "Yes. But, only because it's hard for me to breath."

Natasha walked over and shoved the oxygen mask in his face, "Stop being an idiot, Clint. You wouldn't be in the hospital if you had told Coulson you were sick before he sent you on a mission."

Clint chose to ignore her, turning away from her and pulling up the hospital sheets, shivering from the chills yet sweating from the fever. A cough was his only response.

Coulson addressed Natasha, "Can I speak with you outside?"

"Sure." Natasha followed him out.

Fifteen minutes later, the two were in the hospital lobby.

"I don't understand why he always acts like such a child when he's sick. He doesn't listen and whines about everything. It's annoying and makes me want to shoot him." Natasha told her handler.

"I know. But, it's also annoying when you get sick. You deny that anything is wrong with your health when it obviously is and snap at anyone that tries to help." Coulson explained, "But, Clint tries to help you anyway. Do you get my meaning here?"

"You're saying I should do what Clint does and help him even though he refuses to listen." Natasha asked, "How do I do that?"

"The same way I do: forcibly." Coulson replied, "If he's going to make things difficult and act like a child, you might as well treat him like one." His phone started ringing, "I have to go now. Good luck, Natasha."

Coulson disappeared out the hospital doors. Natasha sighed, irritated, and walked back to her partner's hospital room. But, when she entered, he was nowhere to be seen. There was no sign of him, just another IV the nurses had given him that he'd pulled out.

Natasha poked her head out the door and spoke to the other agent, "Please tell me you didn't let him out of this room."

He looked confused, "Of course, I didn't let him out. He's not in there?"

Natasha realized the next possible place Hawkeye could be and groaned in aggravation.

She reentered the room and looked up, "Clint, get the h*** out of the vents, now."

When she didn't receive an answer, the female assassin got angrier, "I said now, Clint!"

Still receiving no answer, Natasha cursed under her breath, climbed to stand on the bed, pushed the cover of the vent in and to the side, and pulled herself up into the vents. It was surprisingly wide for a ventilation system and she'd have no trouble dragging the sick archer out if necessary. How he'd even managed to get up into the vents without collapsing from weakness was a mystery.

Natasha crawled a few yards further through the vents and found Clint. He was out cold!

The sleeping archer didn't seem to care where he was and seemed much more peaceful than he'd been when he was awake. Even with the sickly pale complexion, Natasha almost admitted he looked kind of cute._ Idiot._

A while later, the hospital was experiencing yet another scene since the S.H.I.E.L.D. patient had arrived. At least half the floor could hear it going on.

"I said stay away from me!" Clint yelled, throwing the TV remote at Dr. Crane's head, "That nurse from Hell too!"

Coulson just stood there with no idea what to do about the overdramatic agent giving S.H.I.E.L.D. a bad name. Director Fury could fire him, but they'd lose one of the two best agents they had. Coulson never expected Clint to go off this badly. Sure, he was annoying, overdramatic, childish, and insubordinate whenever he was sick before, but never like this. _Has the fever messed with his head? This is insane!_

"It's only an IV, Mr. Barton." Dr. Crane stated.

"I don't care! I hate doctors and hospitals and stupid drugs I don't need!" Clint argued, jerking his arm away from the nurse.

"Stop yelling before you go into another coughing fit and can't breathe." Coulson told him, "If you don't do what the doctor says, you won't be authorized to come back to work."

"Stop telling me what to do." Clint lowered his voice, feeling the need to cough, but not wanting to let Coulson be right.

"I'm your handler. It's my job to tell you what to do." Coulson stated, "Now, let the nurse do her job before I lose my patience."

"I said no. You can't keep me here like it's a prison. This is all your fault, Coulson." he accused.

"Let the nurse give you the stupid IV or I will take the needle and use it to slice open your femoral artery! It's your own fault! There's a reason we're supposed to have vaccinations! If you'd gotten yours, this wouldn't have happened and I could've spent my week off relaxing! Instead, I'm stuck babysitting a man that's acting like a bratty child!" Natasha practically screamed, earning dumbfounded looks from everyone in the room, and then stormed out.

"Well, she said what everyone's been thinking." Coulson looked at Clint, "Do what Dr. Crane says and stop being an idiot. I have better things to do than babysit a grown man." He walked out.

Clint stared after him. _What just happened? _The terrible, sick feeling came back. _Why do I have to feel miserable again right when I'm starting to feel better?_

The archer groaned and held out his arm, "Hurry up before I decide to puke on you."

Half an hour later, Natasha was sitting in the lobby reading a book when Dr. Crane ran up to her.

"There's a situation. We need help." he told her.

"What's he done now?" she asked exasperatedly.

"Mr. Barton hasn't done anything. Well, he has and still is, but it's partially my fault." the doctor led her through the halls.

"What do you mean?" Natasha questioned.

"I gave him some medication. It didn't turn out so well."

Natasha found out what he meant a few seconds later. She saw Clint running down the hall…in nothing but a pair of boxers with bows and arrows on them.

"On the bright side, he seems to feel much better now." Dr. Crane commented, then quickly disappeared, leaving her to deal with her partner.

Natasha barely noticed the doctor leave. She was too distracted by the scene in front of her. Clint was half naked, running down the hall, and, to make it even worse, he was making bird noises.

"Caw caw!" he screeched at another patient in the hall. He screamed at a nurse trying to stop him, shoving her away, "Don't touch me, demon!"

Coulson appeared across the hall and came up to Natasha, "What on Earth is going on here?"

"The doctor gave him some kind of medication and now he's acting like that." Natasha told her handler, "What do we do?"

"Restrain him or something. Now, I have to go apologize on behave of S.H.I.E.L.D. for his behavior. And please stop him before he terrorizes more nurses." Coulson rubbed his temples and walked off.

Natasha watched him leave. _Now, I understand why Coulson is always so stressed out._

Hawkeye noticed her standing there and said much too loudly, "Hey, Tasha!"

"Clint, what is wrong with you!? Put some clothes on!" Black Widow stepped in front of him.

He ran around her and yelled back, "Never! I'm getting out of here!"

"No, you're not." she tackled him and pinned him to the ground, "You're going to stop acting crazy and stay in the hospital until the doctor says you can leave."

"But, I don't want to!" Clint whined like a little kid and tried to get away, "I hate doctors! They're stupid and evil!"

"Do what I say or I'll tie you to a hospital bed and make you stay here forever." Natasha threatened the currently insane archer.

"No!" he screamed, trying harder to get away from her. But, she was currently stronger than him.

"Then, stop acting like you belong in an insane asylum!" Black Widow lightly smacked him.

The effects of the drug were starting to wear off. Hawkeye touched his face, "Ow! That hurt, Nat. Why would you hit someone in the hospital?"

"You were acting crazy. What else was I supposed to do?" she replied.

"Not hit me. Wait, why am I in my underwear and why are you on top of me?" he realized the situation they were in.

Natasha got up, "The doctor gave you some kind of medication. You were running around half naked, screaming, and making bird noises. I was restraining you."

"See! I told you I don't like doctors! They give me weird drugs that make me do weird things!" Clint complained.

"Now, I understand." she stated.

The archer groaned, "I just want out of this place!"

"That's probably for the best. I'll tell Coulson." the female assassin left to find their handler.

And Mr. Barton was never admitted to that hospital ever again.


End file.
